When Commander Riker can't get enough sleep, his stamina for duty is called into question. But after having his arm swabbed for DNA by a bunch of lobster-handed aliens, the Enterprise crew decides to set up their holodeck for a CSI-style investigation. What is the Nubbin campaign policy? How long will scissors be a thing? Are Picard and Lt. Jae dating? It's the episode recording from a Shimoda-themed keg party!
When a dustbuster club gets on BART, they find one old rider who’s had some of his own Entrepreneur adventures. Now they’ve got to find a way to help this hopeless old fit in with their hip new ship. Where does the rubber meet the worldbuilding road? What job skills wouldn’t be obsolete after several decades? What did Guinan think her job was when everybody lost their memory? Was that a dip to black or a dip to commercial? Its the one with the green podcast fluid.
When an important diplomat and his mother hitch a ride to a peace negotiation, her hostility toward Counselor Troi is palpable. But when the diplomat uses Troi's mind as his mental toilet, leaving the seat up is the least of her concerns. What attracts Craigslist roommates? How big is Worf's knife block? How much white-out did the line producer have? It's the episode that's "Apparently..."-level bad.
When the Entrepreneur finds another broken down scout ship, Barclay’s clever plan to get over to the ship doesn’t go unpunished. Thrown into a paralyzing inner struggle, the only way the young lieutenant can confront his fear of being swept up in the matter stream is by grabbing onto a turd for dear life. When was the last time Reg or Miles used conditioner? Where are the admirals who have been in the shit? Did Barclay take a page from the Chaotic Bro playbook? It’s the episode that will trigger a deluge of complaints from the Betazoid alternative medicine community.
When the Enterprise crew is hot on the trail of some inter-dimensional murderers, they can't help but dress for the occasion. But when the second in a two part episode (which could really have been three, or only one) devolves into an incoherent mess, we decide to rewrite it ourselves. What is the one impression we refuse to do? What do Data snitches get, if not stitches? How much less is less, and how much more is more? It's the episode that does not lack conviction!
When an overdramatic tour guide reveals a Data head at the end of some San Francisco sightseeing, the Entrepreneur crew is thrust into a tense temporal thriller. But before long, the tone shifts, and the show returns to its roots of daring viewers to come back after their summer break. Are we going to get the rest of our socks in the next episode? Why is Data a liar in this episode? It’s an episode that starts off in an Undiscovered Country, but gets lost in Back to the Future Part III.
When Captain Picard is zapped by a probe from a long-lost culture, the bridge crew doesn't try to move his body. But after he starts to like the soup within his hallucination, everyone starts to wonder if their captain will ever regain consciousness. Where's the perineum, really? How do you stay looking busy during a workplace medical emergency? What's the best way to ask a houseguest to leave? It's the episode we're recording from the desert southwest!
When the Entrepreneur pulls off the road to help a broken down Romulan ship, Geordi and Ro go missing. Now Data has to plan a funeral, and really only talks at length about that with Worf. How many breadboxes does one ship need? Who has the best orange wedges between the transporter chief, the helmsperson, and the backup doctor? Have Doctor Crusher and Geordi ever hung out? What’s the right karaoke song to whip out at a friend’s funeral? It’s an episode with headcanon we had to practice for with a toothbrush.
When an away team finds the sad, sole survivor of a crashed Borgs ship, the Enterprise crew re-thinks whether or not they want to put an offer down on a property. But after Dr. Crusher nurses him back to health, Geordi develops feelings for him, which is problematic for a variety of reasons. What is Guinan's security clearance? How honest should Geordi's Tinder profile be? What is the "King Fly"? It's the episode that has an asterisks next to it in the record book!
When the ship drives some of its wheels over a wet lawn, things start to slow down. If that wasn’t boring enough, our focus is almost entirely on a couple of cherubic little girls running around sensitive areas of the ship. Why doesn’t Ogawa have a back-zip yet? How do you get to be a forty year-old ensign? Should Alexander be playing with his loaf like that? It’s an episode that Ben was very embarrassed to watch in public.
When the Entrepreneur makes an unscheduled stop on the way to a passenger's destination, the diversion puts more than the ship's 5-star rating in jeopardy. But when a giant Glassybaby in the cargo bay falls over, its contents prove to be irresistible to just about everyone on board (except those with a special conscience). Who's working the bag check on the Enterprise? Is the marimba the most romantic instrument? What qualifies as a tragedy? It's the episode that will force you to take a cold shower, afterwards!
When some stripper glitter starts clogging critical ship systems, the Entrepreneur crew have a much worse problem to deal with, and she has kompromat on the show’s writers. In what way does this differ from Burning Man? What’s wrong with Adam’s chili recipe? Is the ship’s computer rejecting the premise of the episode? How is Minister Campio ever gonna get a square job when he has all those crazy tats? It’s the episode that separates the Pee-Wee from The Boys.
When Captain Picard returns to Earth to give a commencement speech at Wesley (The BOY?!) Crusher's academy graduation, no one stops to consider what happened LAST time he was in the Terran system. Meanwhile, Wesley's entire squadron is under investigation after an accident kills a teammate. Is it possible to hear embarrassment? Should you always start a speech with a joke? How much loaf are you allowed to bring through customs? It's the episode that's as comfortable as possible, at the expense of looking good.
When the Entrepreneur asplode, this one Sonny and Cher song keeps playing over and over again, and it’s giving Geordi a headache. The crew starts to become aware that there may in fact be a glitch in the Matrix, and the clock is ticking on coming up with a good escape plan. Why doesn’t the ship have any crumple zones? What’s the best way to ruin the film Undercover Brother? Does Riker have a little bit of palsy? It’s the episode that establishes Frasier as Canonical Trek.
When the Entrepreneur finds an area of space that does not conform with the crew's preconceptions, they aren't sure which pronouns to use to describe it. They face a similar challenge addressing a race of people inhabiting a nearby planet, which inspires Commander Riker to employ some Pea Soup diplomacy. Can we finally be funny about a serious story? How do you get stink off of a main character? What color is Worf's boogie board? It's the episode that features a brand new Previa!
Worf’s run of bad back luck continues, and this time it’s a prognosis worse than death for the carpet-clad warrior. Now Dr. Crusher is desperate to stop another space Mengele from using Worf as a loafy Guinea pig, and Riker is disgusted with the Klingon’s fatalistic belief system. Is the ‘bay the only thing Worf hates more than doors? Are all spinal surgeons this Sajaky? Why are all of Picard’s opinions so chill? It’s the episode with the Ron Canada drinking game.
When the Enterprise responds to a distress signal sent by an ugly starship, they decide to rendezvous with it in a dark planetarium. But after their away team returns acting strangely they start a firefight in ten-forward, where no glass table is safe. How far will O'brien go to avoid dinner with Keiko? How much prep is involved in trying a new orbit? Can a transporter help with "going clear"? It's the episode where we open some fresh cards!
When the crew forgets who they are, an extra voice is added to the mix, confusing even the most careful radio listener. The ship is running silent on a critical mission to take out a hated enemy, but when Picard get’s an itchy buoy-floating finger, the XO threatens mutiny. Is MacDuff using Riker’s battle bridge as his sleeping quarters? Who is typically armed when working on the bridge? Is the bad guy grosser, or less gross than Remmick? It’s an episode that can only be heard, and never seen.
When the Enterprise crew tracks the path of some interstellar star trash, they discover a biosphere built inside an outlet mall. But when their genetically engineered population thinks about hitching a ride out of the way, Captain Picard has to decide how long to delay their decision. Why is everyone okay with eugenics all of a sudden? Who is at the top of the Moab IV food chain? Could we talk about John Hurt for a minute? It's the episode that's really a "Ron Canada Drinking Game."
When some aliens with very upsetting temple loaf hitch a ride, Troi wakes up in a coma after one of them forces himself inside her mind. Unaware of the crime or its gravity, the crew tries to figure out what’s causing senior staff to slip into comas one by one. Is Riker really a horrible person? Did Marina Sirtis really punch that guy? It’s the episode that is almost impossible to make jokes about.
When Data rescues the only survivor from a wrecked starship, his feats of strength are so impressive that the boy can't help but want to be like him. But when his android burlesque goes deeper than just getting a new haircut, the story about what happened on his ship gets called into question. What do you do about blown sideburns? Who wrote an insult in Troi's yearbook? What is the capitol of Nebraska? It's the episode the final chapter of "The Slickback Trilogy."
When the Entrepreneur takes part in an exciting propulsion experiment, Worf is distracted by the demands that fatherhood has thrust upon him. His son Alexander is coming to live on the ship whether we like it or not. Is the scientist an alien, or just a guy who didn’t listen to his dermatologist? Is stealing a thing when there are replicators? Why is that one toy so ubiquitous in medical environments? Its a show of false starts and big farts.
When a burlap clad professor from the 26th century pulls his doorstop up to the Entrepreneur, they take a detour from rescuing an imperiled planet to fill out his questionnaires. But when he starts taking the five finger discount on all the ship’s tricorders, the previously credulous crew gets angry. Will Geordi’s tauntaun freeze before he reaches the first marker? Why couldn’t Guinan have cleared this whole thing up? Is this guy here just to do historical booty calls? It’s an episode that really asks a lot of us.
When Captain Picard finds Ambassador Spock on Romulus, he attempts to talk him into returning home before their next meal. Spock demurs, and instead chooses to visit a ramen place everyone's raving about. Meanwhile, Commander Riker goes to a karaoke bar with Worf, whose interpretation of an opera song is not a hit with the audience. Do Trekkers have to choose between "Old Testament Rod" or "New Testament Rod"? What is an HHHHJ? It's the episode where Adam messes up his audio!
When Admiral TKTKTK gives Picard an emergency message, it’s news nobody wants to hear: It looks like Ambassador Spock is being a rebellious teen. Now the Captain and Data will have to go to Romulus to make sure there’s a chaperone at the party Spock went to. Meanwhile, the Entrepreneur is trying to figure out what the pawn shop was thinking when they sold a ship that the Vulcans were still making payments on. Is this how Picard talks to customer support? What does Romulan Burlesque look like? Are all great strategists also stuffy pricks? It’s the episode where Data and Picard bring all the things.
When Commander Riker returns from holiday on Risa, he's totally obsessed with playing "Suck Disk." But when Wesley (The Boy?!) sees how dumb-looking the glasses are, he turns his sights on an age-appropriate co-worker instead. Which sexual subculture are you into if you display a horga'hn AND credit cards? What color is Worf's apron? How many Coogi sweaters are in Wesley's closet? It's the episode where we've given up dessert flirtation games!
When the Entrepreneur takes a smoke break in-between Uber missions, the ship is afflicted by some of the biggest bangers yet. The scattered crew have to do what they do best: solve problems that only crazy television writers could think up. What will befall all the extra glass tables in Ten Forward? What Christmas Pageant did these kids come from? Will Data’s suicide wish finally come true? What’s Worf going to do with the placenta? It’s the episode where our wives pull a Jeep out of a ditch.
When the glass pinecone that Data’s brother has been hanging around with makes an unwanted reappearance, it dashes Riker’s hope of post-curry coitus. Starfleet is quick to dispatch a rare old lady-scientist to debate everybody about the relative merits of revenge. Is Captain Picard turning into Burke? Who should shampoo Adam’s crotch? Will she turn Data into an even weirder real doll? You don’t need to be an empath to know that this episode is not in its right mind.
When "The Bad Girl of Starfleet" beams aboard the Entrepreneur, the crew treats her like an outcast. But when a sneaky admiral assigns her a secret mission, her true nature is revealed. How do you get an appointment at Starfleet Supercuts? How does Guinan know when you need her? Just what is Starfleet Uniform Code, anyway? It's the episode that's one big love letter to Michelle Forbes.
When the walls fall at Shaka, Kiazi’s children’s faces get really wet. The beast is at Tanagra, but it’s anyone’s guess where Darmok and Jalad are w/r/t the ocean. Will Zinda’s face be black and his eyes red? Who, if not Mirab, is going to unfurl these sails? Is Uzani’s army going with the fist open or the fist closed? Is the river Temarc in winter or what? It’s the episode that opens Sokath’s eyes.
When the Enterprise chooses the flashpoint of a Klingon civil war to begin the galaxy's biggest game of Cat's Cradle, Klingon Jake's future in the empire is at stake. But when Captain Picard's most dramatic "Apparently..." story comes back to haunt him, it's up to Commander Data to take command of a little ship with a secret strategy. Does the Sutherland have a clip show machine? What's the name of the captain from Crimson Tide? It's the episode where lose all our feminist credibility by playing a terrible game that we're extremely ashamed of.
Worf’s honor and civil war hang in the balance when Captain Picard is called back to Qo’nos to be a witness on Gowron’s ketubah. But there’s a not-so-sneaky Romulan sneaking around, and the Duras Sisters are eager to ruin the big jacket-putting-on ceremony. Is that Klingon Jake? Is Guinan the best marksman on the Entrepreneur? Does ‘Romyarlan’ work? How does it affect the monitors if you sharpen a pencil on a Klingon ship? It’s Part One of a two episode arc about how close to death Ben can be and still record a podcast.
When a workplace romance ignites between Data and a co-worker, the nebula they're studying isn't the only place where the fireworks are going off. But when dark matter starts getting flung at the ship, Captain Picard must arrange for a tow to get the Entrepreneur out of danger. Can you get satisfaction from a dark button? What happens when you go "full Nic Cage"? How do you clean a carpet stain that's REALLY in there? It's the episode that sounds like the hosts are fighting.
When Geordi gets Manchurian Candidated by Romulans, Data has to do a whole lot of research to uncover the plot, and we suspect that a Klingon ambassador might be from Shaolin Island. Is Deanna hitting on Geordi? Is Chief O’Brien the most potted of all the plants on the ship? Why is Data downrange when they test-fire the gun for ballistics? It might be the most racist episode of Trek yet.
When Dr. Crusher falls in love with a gassy diplomat, her attraction only goes skin-deep. That doesn't stop Commander Riker from attempting a sexual conquest that has, up until now, been strictly off-limits. How long are you locked up for Grand Theft Body? Is there such a thing as a "sexual matrix"? What's Riker packing, anyway? It's the episode that suffers from a case of body whiplash!
When Lwaxanna Troi gets the hots for an alien scientist, she throws diplomacy out the window to chastise his species end of life practices. It’s a great deal from Picard who gets to spend a blessed episode out of her crosshairs. Why did the makeup department let this guy’s loaf get smeared that badly? Is that sun-explosion effect from iMovie 2? How do you roast a Husnock? It’s our gift-touchdown episode.
When a non-OEM part installed during their last starbase visit leaves the Enterprise by the side of the road, the crew looks for someone to blame. But when the crew's investigation moves a patsy into their crosshairs, it turns out that he's guilty of something totally unrelated. Is an elephant's foot the most unlucky foot? When is it appropriate to show your ass in court? Do you have to pay extra for dialogue? It's the episode that's all ends, and no means.
When Captain Picard’s vacation fling comes aboard, his carefully cultivated facade of paternalistic authority begins to break apart. Then, instead of us getting a series of events exploring the ramifications of that, Q shows up and ruins everything. Which early 90s celebrity was John De Lancie taking his hair cues from? Why did they give Geordi the guitar? What compelled the writers to humiliate their characters like this? It’s the episode where there must have been a free castle set, because why else would it have ever been written?
When Lieutenant Barclay gets struck by lightning by an alien probe, he starts solving problems all over the ship. But when he starts sticking things into the computer that don't belong there, it's up to the crew of the Entrepreneur to unplug him. What is a bursar? How do you build a plane in mid-air? Isn't it always best to be friends with your ex? It's the episode that won't get you invited back to game night.
When Starfleet officers that five years previously were all on the same mission as Geordi start returning to the scene of the crime, disappearing crewmen is suddenly more than just a figure of speech. Now Geordi has to contend with the idea that he too may develop a dreaded case of lobster claw. Can Geordi CSI this mystery before it’s too late? Can’t Worf just put The Club on all the Previa’s steering wheels? Can Data stop reminding everybody that he’s an android? Where were they storing that Clip Show Device? It’s the episode that answers the question, why not Zoidberg?
When the Enterprise responds to a distress call sent by a ship full of dead bodies, what the away team finds over there keeps everyone up at night. But when sleep issues threaten to kill everyone on the ship, it's up to Counselor Troi to find a solution that may have something to do with her weird pot dreams. Is this episode a sequel to The Naked Now? Will a B-plus Pacino impression cut it on this podcast? Could Riker's hair be an instrument for measuring the crew's health? It's the episode that's basically Nagilum's wet dream.
When the woman who unwittingly modeled for Geordi’s favorite real doll boards the ship, the Chief Engineer is scrambling to understand why she isn’t as receptive to his romantic overtures as her lookalike. To make matters worse, an alien pot pie has been tossed at the ship, and the crew is having a heck of a time cleaning it off. Why won’t the Captain ever let Worf raise the shields? What ever happened to that calzone? Is this whole thing Guinan’s fault? It’s the episode where TNG goes full MRA.
When Commander Riker gets injured on a first contact mission, his alien doctors examine all kinds of appendages they aren't familiar with. But while making sure he recovers as fully as possible, the leaders of the planet must decide if they want to enter an exciting, spacefaring future, or stay in the cold, microwave-less past. What is an "Implied Riker"? How many writing credits does it take to break a script? Does Riker "first contact and tell"? It's the first episode back from our tour and we have SO much to catch up on!
When the entire crew passes out after traveling through a wormhole, the evidence starts to finally persuade them that Data is the gravest threat to the ship that they face on an ongoing basis. Now Picard has to go all Dixon Hill on everybody’s ass until he can get some answers. Will Data be stripped down to his wires? Where the hell was Guinan during this whole thing? Why can’t Worf be bothered to implement any basic security procedures? It’s the episode where Troi huffs some green paint.
When "the devil" starts dropping bangers on an entire planet, it's up to Captain Picard to help fiddle their way out of a terrible contract. Unfortunately, his attire is completely inappropriate for the occasion. How many ziggurats are right for an agrarian society? Can an android get his tongue stuck on a frozen flagpole? Who's got Uri Geller vibes? It's the episode where the hosts go "fully-biblical"!
Now that we’re finally into the meat of the series, we can really start digging into what matters most about Star Trek: The Next Generation: O’Brien and Keiko’s weird marriage. Why have they never talked about what foods they like? What does the Chief even like about Keiko? Why is she marrying him when his career is clearly in the sonic toilet? It’s the episode where we keep up with the Cardassians.
When a Vulcan diplomat needs a ride into Romulan space, the Enterprise is her UberXL (if only to transport her giant Pope hat). Meanwhile, people are doing things that they think will make Chief O'Brien happy, with disastrous consequences. Is O'Brien in an arranged marriage? Is it hard to stay together when your ship is named "Divorce"? Does Data have "Incognito Mode"? It's the Nebuchadnezzar of bottle episodes!
When Troi’s special power slips away from her, she wastes no time in throwing in the towel. It’s looking like the crew will need to get by with Guinan as the counselor. What’s up with communicator continuity in this episode? Is this the right bag to pack twelve iPads in? It’s the episode where we find out how pollination works.
When a twist beginning crash lands Captain Picard and young Wesley Crusher (The Boy?!) onto a desolate planet, the constant bickering drives the third wheel of their group to drink. It's too bad Commander Riker is too busy taking out someone else's trash to mount a timely rescue mission. What does it take to get a 6 star Uber rating? Are children chained inside the saucer section? Is this how radiation works? It's the episode where we introduce a new mountainside sculpture to our repertoire!
When Riker inhales the wrong fart, his memory of the last sixteen years is wiped. He is the captain now, but he has no idea how he got there! Da fuq is Riker asking this turbo lift? Why is Worf so hunchy? Did they get that mask at the Halloween store? It’s an episode with one of the all time bad buttons.
When Worf's ex-girlfriend beams onboard with the son he didn't know he had, it starts to affect his performance at work. Their domestic conflict has to take a back seat in the storyline when a diplomatic conflict heats up between two factions warring for control of the Klingon Empire. Is it appropriate to send an Evite to a political summit? How bad of a year do you need to have to forget that you were almost murdered? What's the most effective way for HR to approach a Klingon about his behavior? It's the episode we recorded from an internet ghost town!
Tasha Yar’s estranged sister doesn’t just look like Sarah Conner, she’s the Enterprise’s only hope to help save some abducted crewmen. But her affiliation with the Confederacy has everyone on edge. Did these street gangs get their jewels from Logan’s Run? What Skynyrd songs does this fusion reactor have? What happened to that chip clip that used to be at the craft services table? It’s the episode that marks our formal entrée into 90’s haircast.
When an old friend of Dr. Crusher's bails on their plans, she thinks he might have fallen on the ship and can't get up. But as her story begins to unravel, squints of suspicion abound from an unbelieving (and shrinking) Enterprise crew. How difficult is a three-finger handshake? Are scarves a good substitute for grass? How old is your oldest friend? It's the episode that came back from the dead!
When the Enterprise crew finds a human survivor aboard a wrecked Talarian ship, the young man wants to be roommates with Captain Picard. Unfortunately, Picard's quarters is filled with glass tables and a knife collection. Why can't Picard recognize when someone goes "full vineyard"? Does "asymmetrical loaf" indicate a breakthrough in alien makeup design? Is a vest of bratwurst this year's hit Halloween party costume? It's part two of The Slickback Trilogy!
When an innocent prank puts a little boy’s life in danger, it’s not great timing for Data’s dad to hijack his mind, and by extension the whole ship. Things go from bad to worse when Data’s brother Lore shows up, and Soong is blinded by fatherly love to Lore’s fairly blatant evilness. What was that situation on the Pakled ship like? What’s gonna happen when Data is up in the stirrups? Where do you buy those blankets for protecting an elevator on moving day? It’s the Klumpiest episode yet!
While the ship is being duct taped back together after a certain ‘incident,’ the crew takes some time to dredge up grievances with their loved ones. For Picard, it’s his stridently conservative brother. For Worf, it’s his embarrassing parents. For Wesley (the boy?!) it’s an old holo tape of his dad’s that isn’t as exciting to find as that sounds. Are replicators just microwaves? Does retirement still make people crazy in the 24th century? It's the episode where we speculate about what ever happened to Jim Shimoda.
When Commander Riker fires on a ship containing Captain Picard, it's finally clear why he passed up all those other promotions. But when facing an enemy who knows all his best moves, the newly-promoted Riker must resort to some unorthodox techniques to save the human race. Where is the USS Hood? What is a "personal banger"? How do you dispose of a pip? It's a great episode buried in a pile of garbage!
When a hot shot young commander starts angling for Commander Riker's job, it is fortuitous timing that Captain Picard gets kidnapped by the Borgs. The newly-promoted Riker plays it cool while doing everything he can to get him back, but when Picard shows up on FaceTime with some gaudy new implants, he decides to end their relationship. What is the Borgs' target demographic? Is Commander Shelby giving off Ivanka Trump vibes? Does losing Picard qualify as "acceptable losses" to Worf? It's the episode where we do an unnecessary Indiana Jones roll!
When the Enterprise beams aboard a mysterious survivor of the wreckage of space ship crash, it's up to Dr. Crusher to nurse him back to health. But when the patient starts placing his "gifted hands" upon some of the crew, Captain Picard must decide if his crimes can be so easily wiped away. What does Geordi's VISOR smell like? Where can we get a "Body Glove Wetsuit O'Brien" action figure? Is this Worf's idea of dating? It's the episode where the hosts prefer the blue Powerade.
When a legendary Vulcan diplomat starts acting strangely ahead of an important conference, the Enterprise crew chalks it up to old age. But when his brand of mental disability becomes contagious, glass tables around the ship aren't the only thing in jeopardy. Can we workshop a worse throw-to-title scene? Is this episode "canonical Ghostbusters 2"? What happens to a kid at a bar fight? It's the episode where we learn, "Never mind-meld with your heroes."
When a con man abducts commander Data, his only ways to pass the time are trying to smile and trying to sing to a hand puppet. The Enterprise crew’s only hope is to start taking Geordi’s conspiracy theory website seriously. What century has the best bubblegum smell? How anti-semitic is this whole deal? Is her chin messed up because alien or because surgery? It’s an episode that has fewer small hand jokes than it probably should.
When a problematic engineer takes out his frustrations on the holodeck, everyone questions the protocol of recreating real crew members there. But after the ship's glassware is threatened, the fragility of the rest of the Enterprise systems are exposed. Why can't you just transfer your problems to the USS Hood? How do you responsibly dispose of your old pornography? Is Geordi not the creepiest guy on the ship anymore? It's the episode where "trouble always follows."
When low rent Michael Rapaport comes aboard, the Enterprise finds itself in a race to capture a living starship that the Romulans really want. Will putting Rapaport on suspension stop the mayor from breathing down Picard’s neck? How big can a banger get? It’s an episode with a big uncomfortable conversation about the show.
When Captain Picard needs a backrub, Doctor Crusher prescribes a vacation. Trouble is, the all-inclusive resort Commander Riker recommends appears to be "full service," and the pages in his book aren't spill proof. Can Picard go "chest to chest" with Riker? Is there any job on the Enterprise dangerous enough for red pants? What is "low knuck"? It's the episode where we prescribe to "The Maron Rule."
When Picard is re-re-re-body snatched and replaced by an insane impostor, the crew goes through the same routine of misgivings-leading-to-mutiny that they always do. Meanwhile, the real Captain has to escape from space jail with a blue cadet, an ersatz Nausicaan, and a big fan of Australian opera. Who will wind up doing the corny monologue jokes in this episode? Will Wesley let Picard hit on Beverly? Where we gonna poop? It’s the episode where Picard turns the music up to eleven.
When the Klingon exchange program gives the Enterprise a very hostile second in command, it's up to the crew to fall in line or risk being murdered in a turbolift. The new guy's meatloaf looks familiar, so he and Worf take a trip to visit their old stomping grounds to dispute an old family controversy. What's the mortality rate in a Klingon hospital? Is it a good idea to "sprinkle the dog" around when you meet new people? Should the hosts take holidays off? It's the episode that was almost called, "Don't Be a Menace to the Klingon Homeworld while Wearing Your Robe in the Hood"!
When Data has a child out of wedlock, the Captain is furious. But when an Admiral from Child Protective Services decides to come take away the bouncing baby android, Picard goes into full blown lawyer mode. What are Riker’s intentions towards Data’s daughter? Can Picard just routinely defy Starfleet? It’s an episode with more Kevin Uxbridge than the Kevin Uxbridge episode.
When a butthole in space expels a version of the Enterprise from the past, the crew we've come to know are changed in ways no one can perceive - except for Guinan. In this alternate reality, the Klingons are eating the Federation for breakfast, and Captain Picard has to decide whether or not to send the visiting ship back to its own time. Could Worf be a "secret old"? Shouldn't Yar be due for a promotion by now? Is Ben's dog okay? It's the episode with no logic in it at all!
When Riker gets accused of murder, Picard fights his first officer’s extradition the only way he knows how: by putting together a few days of holodeck Rashomon. The situation gets dire when radiation starts turning the ship into Swiss cheese. Why doesn’t Data compare Picard’s art style to potato Jesus? Is there any explosion Chief O’Brien can’t pull an away team out of? Is Riker secretly a total madman? It’s an episode in which our grievances with certain other Star Trek podcasts are laid to bed, and then inflamed anew.
When Q appears on the bridge naked and powerless, the Enterprise crew begrudgingly grants him asylum as they troubleshoot an Armageddon-sized problem for a planet in trouble. But as Data teaches him what it's like to be human, one of Q's old nemeses plans its revenge while he's the most vulnerable. How does Q decide his bodily proportions? What's the safest restaurant appetizer? Who is "Malibu Q"? It's the episode that's just a total mess. Sad!
When Dr. Crusher is kidnapped while having lunch on a hostile planet, the Enterprise crew finds themselves in the middle of a dispute between outdoor mall architects and cave aficionados. It isn't long before Beverly diagnoses the terrorists with a transporter-related illness, which is unfortunate given how enjoyable transporting sounds to them. Why is everyone afraid of Dr. Crusher? Did Kevin Uxbridge leave a special gift for Geordi? Do quilted breadbox covers come in a child's size small? It's the episode where we receive a very threatening package!
When Rambo Jason Bourne in Space breaks out of a penal colony with a boring name, the Enterprise crew become U.S. Marshals. It’s a hard target search of the star system and the ship that turns up more than the locals had bargained for. When did Farmer Hoggitt grow that molestache? Is Roga Danar the frontman of a rock band called Breadcrumbs of Destruction? Its an episode we recorded in the afterglow of a truly awesome karaoke performance.
When a Romulan tries to pull a Hunt for Red October, Picard has to decide whether to take the Federation to the brink of war. How hard is it for the Enterprise crew to trust these admirals after Conspiracy? If Picard is Jack Kennedy, does that make Tomalak Khrushchev? Can Patrick Stewart maintain his status as Scenery Chewer In Residence? It’s the episode where we finally break into the 90s.
When the Enterprise is dispatched to the scene of a tossed outpost, the crew must moderate a dispute between a group of rowdy professional wrestlers and their elderly grandparents. Captain Picard's diplomatic strategy is to pour brandy and chill, but an alien seductress has more on her mind than meets the eye. Can rank be determined by the depth of a deep V? Is the podcast gaining our hosts membership into "the lifestyle"? It's the episode with 50 phaser blasts!
When the Enterprise plays host to a ‘hole’ auction, Riker gets in on the action, leaving Troi to be pursued by Lloyd Braun. It isn’t long before he’s creepily touching her hair. Is a deep vee and a male gaze the only sure way to attract 24th century women? How do you bang in a bunkbed shuttle? Can Riker’s dog be bigged? It’s the episode that turns a previously three dimensional character into a flat one!
When the Enterprise drops off a Dustbuster Club on a planet besieged by plot-forwarding radiation, the away team loses track of Geordi and beams up an injured Romulan instead. Stuck in a hole and slowly going blind, Geordi's fate lies with an ally who discloses some troubling opinions about eugenics. How careful do you have to be when a Romulan pulls you over? Can gaberdine wick away moisture before the chafing starts? Is this the start of Riker's drinking problem? It's the episode where Worf is made to disclose his donation status.
When the ship gets stuck in some mud, Geordi is the only person onboard ship who gets put to work on saving the crew. Naturally, he makes himself a virtual girlfriend to help out along the way. Will Picard try to steal her like he stole Minuet? Has Chief O’Brien found the best way yet to kiss Picard’s ass? Was Geordi just drunk the entire time? It’s the episode where Adam talks about an uncomfortable date he went on.
When an away team accident kills a member of the Enterprise crew, it's up to Captain Picard to deliver the bad news to the newest member of the orphan club. Their grief doesn't last for long, because the fallen crew member reappears and promises a new life for the son she left behind. Is there such a thing as a bloodless Klingon ceremony? Why does Wesley (the boy?) have his own room? Is there more than one way to get a Natural Yeager? It's the first episode of the "Slick Back Trilogy"!
When a cloaked observatory gets hit with a banger, the Enterprise needs to step on the gas to rescue some more gray haired scientists before the Prime Directive gets violated. On their arrival, the Enterprise crew just can’t help but violate it themselves, and violate it over and over. It should come as no surprise that this involves Riker going around the planet in a deep vee. Can Picard get out of this by making up a new religion? Did the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer wig get reused? Does Worf’s least favorite lightning have a great Hollywood agent? It’s the episode that Ben recorded while hopped up on DayQuil.
When the Enterprise discovers the aftermath of an attack on a planetary colony, they become suspicious of the two elderly survivors shacked up in the nicest house on their block. These survivors also seem unusually obsessed with their landscaping, which catches Commander Riker off-guard. But when Counselor Troi gets a bad song stuck in her head, the crew starts to wonder if there's something sinister going on inside their Malibu home. How many scarves is a reputation worth? Is there such thing as a lethal amount of guile? Why won't Captain Picard tell anyone what he's thinking? It's the episode where we play ALL the music.
When a race of Hefty bags wants to tarp over a planet with 15,000 humans living on it, the Enterprise has to consider taking them on a Kid Rock cruise. The only crewmember immune to the local radiation is Data, so he beams down only to find an obtuse demagogue with a weird voice is running the place, and the guy doesn’t believe that the Hefty corporation even exists. Is Data a secret practitioner of rave hand jive, or does he just have invisible balls to play with? Why is Gosheven sounding so thirsty? Are Lenny and Carl on loan from The Simpsons? It’s the episode in which we award some T-shirts.
When the Enterprise breaks down while conducting a science mission, Wesley (the boy?) is at fault. Unfortunately, he observes the Chaotic Bro code of silence, which forces the dumpy professor in charge of the experiment to take matters into his own hands. What does it mean to get "The Frakes"? Do we or don't we want to be in the pocket of Big Rodd? How many pips does Jame Gumb have? It's the episode where we do ALL the impressions!
When Riker gets some DNA in him, it’s not just from another romp on the holodeck. Unfortunately, the STD test comes back positive and it's a race against time to save his life. Dr. Pulaski hatches a plan to make Riker re-watch episodes of the show that would even make Captain Picard shudder. Is Chief O’Brien trying to give Pulaski a heart attack? Is Troi going to be ok when Riker’s most erotic dreams leave her in the lurch? Is the Captain ever going to recover from being bald-burned? It’s our most ill-advised episode yet, and the one that took by far the most work!
When the Enterprise engages in war games, their opponent is the biggest WOPR of them all: Commander Riker. Unfortunately for Captain Picard, Riker's team includes Ensign Crusher (the Boy?), and a threat from an unexpected foe. Who gave Picard a hickey? Is one of Riker's crew giving off Laura Dern vibes? What are the chances of getting a "Natural Yeager"? It's the episode with excellent finger dexterity!
When unfrozen caveman Klingons are about to thaw out in a nice suburban neighborhood, Starfleet sends their sexiest emissary to try to talk Picard into a murder-based solution to the problem. Tensions rise when Worf can’t keep his cool around his lab partner, but Troi has some zit popping videos on her iPad that help everyone calm down. Is Data the ship’s best cock-blocker? Is K’Ehleyr going to get picked in The Bachelor? Is Worf a cigar store Indian? It’s the episode in which we try to get CBS to jerk our udders.
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When the Enterprise goes on Uber-duty for a couple of fish people, Lwaxana Troi drops by for a visit. Then, things somehow get even worse when Captain Picard bails on the show and hides in the holodeck. Is Troi's mom more destructive than Q? Is Pacifica the galaxy's Howard Johnson hotel? Why don't more guest stars get "The Tesh Treatment"? Plus, we announce a t-shirt contest! It's the episode that's an embodiment of an HR violation.
When Dr. Pulaski covers for Worf, he returns the favor by showing her what sex is to him. Meanwhile, the ship rescues some Space Irish from some kind of Space Blight before heading off to find their long lost cousins. How dangerous is a Klingon toilet plunger? Why is the transporter beaming people up with the ground underneath them? What are the downsides of phasering your own clone? It's the episode that forced us to bow to the absurd!
When the Enterprise answers a distress call from a ship full of Lennies, the crew's instincts are to offer assistance. Unfortunately, the Pakleds pet Geordi a little too hard as he's tending to their problems. Meanwhile, the captain and Wesley (the BOY?) go on a road trip in the Previa so Picard can have a "little procedure." Could Toto have improved this episode? Who are the rank pips really for? Can we do this show in a hot tub? It's an episode that's like a Sci-Fi version of "Of Mice and Men"!
Picard gets super salty when Q kidnaps him in a stolen Previa, but things go from bad to worse when the ship gets frisbeed into the path of the galaxy’s shittiest Rubik’s Cube. Does Guinan have the only locking door on the ship? Why are the Borgs so interested in the Jim Shimoda Memorial Corner? Is the crew even ready to go on star treks? It’s a very special episode of Borg Maury.
When the Enterprise explores a sector full of about to explode planets, the crew decides to put Wesley (the boy?) in charge. But when Data decides to turn the sensors on high, the results interrupt Captain Picard's private "chaps time." Is Worf in a death cult? Where can our listeners send their corrections? Can't Picard do better than a Continental breakfast for his meetings? It's the episode with a very special WiFi password!
When Riker’s daddy comes aboard, his sexual magnetism finally meets its match. After a few days of bickering, it all comes to a head in an American Gladiator match that gives Code of Honor a run for its money in the racism department. What was Worf’s job interview like? Can the ship's three most socially inept crewmen throw a good party? Will Riker take Picard’s advice on a new way to get off? It’s the episode where Adam opens some cards of his own!
When the Enterprise finds an IKEA shuttlepod floating in space, they (what else?) bring it aboard for a closer inspection. What they find inside is a very tan, extremely well-rested clone of Captain Picard whose body, unlike the original Picard, does not respond well to stimulants. How will Wesley (the boy?) tell them apart? What's the cost of a destroyed Galaxy-class starship? Why didn't Riker season his eggs before serving them? It's the episode where we bring booze to brunch!
When the crew beams a big pile of ship aboard, they decide to beam down to a planet with a frozen fart-based atmosphere to investigate. The DustBuster club quickly find themselves trapped in a nightmare vacation to Vegas. Is Worf behind the lack of door locks on the Enterprise? Is Picard's love of trashy novels distracting him from mounting a sincere rescue operation? Is playing along with a bad book the only way to escape it? It’s the episode where we declare that we’re here to defend democracy, not necessarily to practice it.
When the Enterprise crosses the neutral zone to touch dongles with another Galaxy-class ship, it soon becomes infected with a computer virus that threatens to kill everyone onboard. But rather than "turn it off, then turn it on," the crew troubleshoots the problem by doing a little light archaeology. Did the USS Yamato get infected by Nagilum? Does Wesley (the boy?) have a direct line to Captain Picard? What is a "Dirty Data"? It's the episode broadcast to you from Shimoda Corner!
When Wesley meets an age-appropriate romantic partner, Picard is put in a foul mood. To make matters worse, the Enterprise’s 5 star Uber rating is at risk. While Worf and Dr. Pulaski have both met their match in a mean old lady, The Boy is going on dates and offering chocolate to his new friend, but she has a secret second ‘look’ that might be a deal breaker. Is Guinan the ship’s best counselor? Did the Sand People from Star Wars do VO work on this episode? Is Salia one of the aliens that left a big pile of Armus on Vagra II? It’s the episode where Wesley learns romantic karate from the masters. Vote in our twitter poll!.
When the Enterprise stops off at Starbase 173 for routine maintenance, Captain Picard reacquaints himself with an old flame hoping to JAG him off. But it's courtroom drama instead of bedroom action on the docket when a hotshot commander threatens to take Data apart to learn how he works. Is it possible that Riker has a better poker face than Data? Is busting a chair across a woman's teeth Picard's idea of sex? It's the episode where everyone gets a little "Moody Geordi". Vote in our twitter poll!
When Riker takes a temp position on a Klingon ship, it’s ironically the Enterprise that contracts a venereal disease. While the Commander is attempting to arrange an interspecies three-way, the ship develops a rash and uncomfortable discharge. Fortunately, the sequel to Chaotic Bro is on the case. Will Wesley (the boy?) finally try vaping? Did that rust come from some bad decisions made in late-80s San Francisco? What does the Carfax report look like on the IKS Pagh? We might change the veto rule! This is madness! Vote in our twitter poll!
When the Enterprise encounters a ship full of dead seniors, their immediate concern is the smell. Their investigation leads back to a science facility where experiments in genetics have taken a dangerous turn, creating a race of non GMO-free people. How many cans of soup can a starship hold? Is Star Trek anti-science? Is Chief O'Brien a con artist? It's the episode that has plenty of handrails!
When Data's grandpa is diagnosed with an incurable illness, he doesn't express much grief, and in return, his grandpa steals his body and makes a play at immortality. It would have been a perfect plan, but the old man was set in his ways, and really doesn't know how to act in a modern, professional starship setting. Will the crew catch on that Data is once again not who he claims to be? Will Data's bad behavior get him locked up in Rura Penthe? Can he pass a Voight-Kampff test? It's the episode where the Star Trek trading cards prove that they're worth what you pay for them.
When the Enterprise has to transport Ginger Jesus to a peace negotiation between some ersatz Klingons, his sexual super-magnetism is a distraction for some of the crew. Their 5-star Uber rating is seemingly in the bag until his cadre of helpers is killed on an away mission, forcing the diplomat to talk only with his hands. Are these the worst alien effects we've seen? What's a job interview like for a bathroom attendant? Do they still have Pier 1 in the future? It's the episode where we return to Anybody Canyon!