Judge John Hodgman Episode 25: The Girlfriend and the Grasshopper

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Jeff says his live-in girlfriend Courtney habitually hides food from him. Courtney admits that she's hidden food in the past, but only to save Jeff from his own ravenous tendencies, and that she has since stopped the practice. Is Courtney a FOOD-HOARDER, or is Jeff a FOOD-STEALER?

You may view the evidence after the jump, and as always, you may subscribe to the podcast in iTunes or through this RSS feed.

Evidence

A photo of the Long Island treat, Pizza Crumb.

Also, submitted by Courtney: A written testimonial.

To the Honorable Judge John Hodgman:
I am writing out this testimony on behalf of Courtney, the defendant.

I arrived late on Tuesday the 12th of April 2011, to the home of Jeff and Courtney. I brought with me, as a gift to my friend, a delicious treat, available only at the Hummel Hummel Bakery on Long Island, NY. Pizza Crumb (the delicious treat) is named, because it is pizza shaped and is served to you in a pizza box. Unable to take it on the plane this way, I cut it into sections and wrapped them in tinfoil. I arrived, with 3 wrapped blocks of Pizza Crumb, with 2 slices per block. The first night, Jeff ate two slices, and Courtney had one. The next morning, Courtney had already left for work, and before Jeff left for his job, he had another slice for breakfast, already consuming half the amount of Pizza Crumb within 15 hours of its arrival. When Courtney got home from work, I alerted her to the situation. Fearing she wouldn’t get her fair share of the treat, that I brought FOR HER, I suggested hiding the remaining pieces of Pizza Crumb, so she would be able to enjoy them, but she was apprehensive, having hid things before and Jeff getting upset about it. So, I proposed that I hide it on her behalf, that way she wouldn’t be at fault; she agreed. The remaining two slices were placed in my bag for safe keeping. When Jeff returned home that night from work, I told him the rest of the Pizza Crumb had been eaten, he said he was glad.

For the next 3 days, I would remove the Pizza crumb from my bag and Courtney would enjoy half a slice for breakfast. Afterwards I would return it to my bag for safe keeping. On the fourth day (Saturday, the 16th of April 2011) we left out the remaining half slice, and it was discovered by Jeff. The last of the Pizza Crumb was consumed by Courtney and Jeff’s friend Kevin.

On another day, Courtney and I planned to go out and get Dim Sum, before leaving we asked Jeff if he would like us to get him anything. He said no. Courtney asked him a second time, telling him if he wanted something he should let her know. Again, he said no. When we returned, he immediately began to help himself to a pork bun. Luckily, Courtney anticipated this and brought back more food than she and I could eat. But had she listened to him, and not ordered anything for him, he would have been eating her share of food.

I trust, with my provided testimony, you will see that Jeff is in the wrong.

Sincerely,

Gabrielle

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Comments

Ships Ahoy

It is not true that the name Chips Ahoy is a take-off on Ships Ahoy! The cookies, in fact, predate man's plying of the oceans. Pre-Viking homemakers became renown for overloading their variety of "Töl Háse" biscuit, ensuring that each bite would include at least one chocolate chip. Later, Dutch seafaring types made these high-carb, sugary treats a staple of their diets. It was customary that around 3:00 or 3:30 in the afternoon, to tide them over till dinner, ship's cooks would place on deck large baskets of chocolate chip cookies. At the sight of them, the crewmen would call out, "chips hoey!" thereby letting everyone know it was time to knock off for a snack, a small tankard of milk or apple juice, and a short nap. Sometimes they even got to watch a little Batman. It's easy to seen then how "Ships ahoy!" actually follows from "Chips ahoy!"

P.S. You can tell your little brother to hold his tongue and go ask mom for a Chips Ahoy! -- boy, will he ever get in trouble.

Peeps

No one is talking about the Peeps...

In our house the Peeps (only the yellow ones - and only the chicks, never any other bogus shapes) hide in their own special cabinet with the cellophane split open, so that the air can get to them and they will harden. This process is essential because, I am told, this is "the only way to eat them." (Something I am sure will cause great debate during the coming Super-apocalypse).

Perhaps if Jeff tried crunchy Peeps he would not feel the need to villify them.

One bit of testimony that deserved more consideration:

Jeff agrees that he ate over 30 chewy Chips Ahoy while Gabrielle only got about five. He claims that this was justified because the cookies were purchased for HIS consumption. But he contradicts himself in the pizza crumb incident because Gabrielle's friend Courtney brought the pizza crumb for Gabrielle, yet Jeff felt he had a right to eat half of it. You can't have it both ways. It appears that Jeff wants to have his cake and eat it too!

Super entertaining episode,

Super entertaining episode, and the complainant & defendant were fun. I listened to this episode with my sainted mother. We snickered throughout, but by the time the verdict was brought, we immediately discussed what snacks to run out and get. I shot out of the house, and quickly returned with a great variety of lowbrow treats, which we fell upon.

In light of the judge's excellent sentence of no more treats at home for three months, it was especially shameful. Why does being bad have to taste so good?

Shameful snack behavior

I listened to this episode with my sainted mother. We snickered throughout, but by the time the verdict was brought, we immediately discussed what snacks to run out and get. I shot out of the house, and quickly returned with a great variety of lowbrow treats, which we fell upon.

In light of the judge's excellent sentence of no more treats at home for three months, it was especially shameful. All evidence to the contrary, I agree with the judge: Go out of the house to get treats, and eat them in the light of day.

Super entertaining episode, and the complainant & defendant were fun.

Hiding food

I, too, hide candy in my bedroom. I peel back the cambric dust cover of my box spring and store it inside. It goes without saying, but I first seal the candy inside an egg shaped cocoon I make out of newspaper bits and saliva.

Gordon

My mother used to hide Kudos bars from me, because when I find them, I eat the whole box. My roommates in college hid the cookies from me, and I always used all the parmesan cheese. Now, my wife hides treats from me. Anyone who has to live with the likes of me MUST hide snacks