For the past several years, Onion writer Joe Garden has been openly campaigning to replace Conan O'Brien as host of NBC's Late Night when O'Brien moves to an earlier time slot next year. Numerous news outlets are reporting that NBC will soon announce that they have chosen a replacement for O'Brien, and it's not Garden. Instead, it's serial at-self-laugher and failed movie star Jimmy Fallon. Garden has issued his first public statement regarding the situation EXCLUSIVELY here on MaximumFun.org. It follows. - Jesse
An open letter to the viewing public:
You may have heard that Jimmy Fallon has been named the next host of Late Night.
Even though I have been running for host of Late Night for two years now, this sadly comes as no shock.
We all know how this works. Shady deals are made in smoke-filled back rooms, and the next thing you know, there's a new host of Late Night. I call bullshit on that.*
There are those who are begging me to quit my bid for the host chair. They're saying that it's time to put aside the rancor, and that my campaign can only rend the fabric of unity asunder.
Well, you know what?
The American people don't quit, and they deserve a host of Late Night that doesn't quit either!
The people ever got a chance to have their voices heard. This is why we need to write to someone. Anyone! Pick an executive at NBC and write him or her (but let's face facts, it's a he because only an active member of the patriarchal hegemony would choose Jimmy Fallon as their host for Late Night) a disappointed POSTCARD, saying that you never had a chance to have your voice heard, and that they can't silence the voice of the people forever.
Tell them that you want it put to an election, fair and square, and that you will respect the outcome.
Tell them that we brought democracy to Iraq, and that we will damn sure have it on our shores too.
Actually, don't just write anyone.
Attn. Rick Ludwin
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, NY 10112
And even though he is obviously a fascist, it's probably not a good idea to refer to him as such in your postcard. Be nice. Be cordial. Be firm.
This isn't over yet.
Chin up, stay strong, and VOTE JOE!!
Your next host of Late Night,
*I am sorry for the strong language, but these are tough times. I promise that, as your host of Late Night, I will never work blue like that.
PS-In order to show your support, you can visit my website or join my facebook group.